Love Her Perspective

This article is a must read for every SAHM out there. Fantastic perspective! Check it out.

Interview with Debbie - Mother of 4

We are so lucky to have my good friend Debbie on Mommy Minute to talk SAHM with us. Her experience "in the field" is impressive. She offers great reflections on life as a SAHM, and also has a few tips and tricks up her sleeve to share. Enjoy!

Mommy Minute (MM): Hi Debbie! Thanks for taking the time out of what is, I am certain, a very busy schedule. Let's get started. Tell us how many kids you have, and their ages.

Debbie: I have four children. A girl - 10, boy - 7, boy - 2, boy - 8 months.

MM : How long have you been a Stay-at-Home-Mom (SAHM)?

Debbie: This is my 6th year of staying at home.

MM: What is your best tip for a new SAHM, who is ready to tear her hair out???

Debbie: Do everything you can to find other SAHMs to talk to (preferably in person). Just knowing that someone else is going through the exact same thing as you can make a world of difference. And GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!! Take walks with the stroller, or do it when your husband is home and have some "alone" time. The exercise, coupled with the change of scenery can really uplift your mood.

MM: You had a career prior to staying home, correct? What did you do?

Debbie: I did have a career. I was an elementary school teacher. I taught a 1st/2nd grade looping class. (That means I had the students for 2 years--for first grade and then again for second grade.)

MM: What made you decide to leave that behind and become a SAHM?

Debbie: It's funny, I'm not really sure. All of a sudden it just seemed right. For 3 years prior to being at home, I did work part-time in a job share situation at my school. So, for part of the week, I was home. I thought that would be the best of both worlds, but I think it just made both jobs (being a mom at home and a teacher at school) harder in a way. All of a sudden I just had peace with being at home.

The years before that, I never thought I would leave teaching. I really loved it. It was my dream, and my husband was always very supportive of me working or staying home. He just wanted me to be happy. But, when I say "it just seemed right", that doesn't necessarily mean that financially it was easy to do. It just seemed right to me personally--for my well-being.

MM: Are you still happy with that decision? Or, are there times when you wished you were back at work?

Debbie: I'm definitely happy, although there are days when I wish I was back teaching!!

MM: When do those times hit you?

Debbie: Sometimes I get tired of just being around the house so much--not getting out as much as I used to. I miss the interactions with my co-workers. I miss the money! I think there are just "cycles". Some days I'm excited to get up and get my house in order, do the laundry, errands, etc. Other days, I don't want to get out of bed, and I think I'll scream if I have to look at another pile of dirty laundry!

But I love being there for my kids. I like being there to send them off to school. Being home to greet them after school. And when I think of missing out on the early years with my two littlest--it brings me to tears. Some days it might seem we will never be done with diapers, but in reality it will be over before I know it. And it seems even more important to be around as my kids get older. My daughter is 10 and is growing up so fast! She needs guidance a lot right now, and I want to be the one who is there for her.


MM: A big thing I’m talking about on this blog is how to stay sane while home with kids. How do you do keep your sanity “amidst the toilet training and temper tantrums?”

Debbie: There are lots of little things I do. Some days (like when my two year old is throwing himself down on the floor and crying for the tenth time that morning!) I might just walk around muttering to myself, "This too shall pass." Sometimes I just have to remind myself that the kids' stages may seem to last forever to me, but they really do go by very fast.

Other times, like when my older two are being particularly argumentative or whiny, I just tell them that mommy needs a time out. I usually go up to my bedroom and read, watch tv, whatever. At times like this, my sanity is more important than whatever mess my kids might make in 20 minutes. Of course, this is harder to do now that I have the two little ones.

Oftentimes, I try to be really productive in the morning hours (but still taking some time to play with my little ones), so that I can have some "guilt-free" me time in the afternoon while they are napping. Some days they are only both napping for an hour (or less) at the same time. Other days, it can be 2-3 hours. I will take a nap, watch one of my favorite shows that I've tivo-ed, scrapbook, work on the computer or maybe just call a friend. I think as SAHMs, it is important to remember that we are "on call" 24/7. There are some days that that quiet time during the middle of the afternoon is my only real "break" during the day.


MM: What about staying connected to other adults? Is it difficult to find time for that?

Debbie: This is difficult. I am involved in our church, but unfortunately, it is not in our town, so I don't get to see a lot of the people that often. I do try to go to a Bible study once a week during the school year. They have childcare, so it is a nice "mommy" time.

I used to talk to my sisters a lot on the phone, but then I find I don't get much done during the day! So, I've found email to be a better solution. Then, I still feel "connected", but I can respond when the time is right for me.

I've also started a part-time job that gets me out of the house for a few hours a couple of nights per week. It is nice to have that time to interact with adults! I've made friends through my kids' friends. Setting up play dates, birthday parties, etc., you get to know the moms.

Also, the most important adult for me to stay "connected" with is my husband! We try to have a "date night" every 2-3 weeks. My in-laws are gracious enough to watch the kids for the evening. My husband and I go to dinner, see a movie or shop. But the best part is that we can have a conversation without being interrupted every 2 minutes! This time is really important for our relationship, but I also know that it is very important for my sanity, too. I really look forward to those dates. Knowing one is coming up can help me get through some tougher days!

Also, we have implemented a rule in our house that all children must be in their rooms by 8:00 at night. Our daughter is getting older and doesn't go to sleep at this time, but she must be quiet and in her room at 8:00. This is so that my husband and I can have our time together. Our daughter will sometimes play, but oftentimes she just gets in bed and reads for awhile and then goes to sleep. It is nice to know that at 8:00, I can have a little freedom. Often my husband and I will talk or watch one of our favorite shows together. Or, sometimes we do our own thing. I will scrapbook or read, and he works on the computer or putzes in the basement.


MM: Wow! Good for you. What else do you do that’s “just for you,” that helps you stay sane?

Debbie: Now that I am working a couple of nights a week, I will use the time after work (early evening) to do errands. This way I can do my stuff without kids, and I can make it a little more enjoyable for me. I will get something to eat or go to my favorite store just to browse. I feel like I had some "me" time and took care of some errands at the same time!!

Another thing I try to do is plan times to go out with my friends. Every couple of months or so, my 2 sisters and I will have a "girl's day out". We will usually meet in a spot convenient for everyone, and shop, eat, talk. It is usually a Sunday afternoon. The dads are in charge of the kids for the day. (Which is no small feat, as there are 13 children between the 3 of us!).

I also try to have dinner with one of my close friends who still is teaching. We try to meet every few months or so. That is always fun.

MM: In next week's blog I’m going to look at the new wave of home-schooling SAHMs. I know you have home-schooled in the past. Why did you decide to home-school? Can you share a little bit about what that experience was like, both the pros and cons of it?

Debbie: Homeschooling was something that always seemed to make sense to us because I had been a teacher. We were a little leery of the school district and all of the undesirable things our daughter might pick up there. Also, I have a sister who has always homeschooled. Her oldest is now 13, so I had someone who knew all about it to help me along. It is a lot harder than you might think! (It is completely different than teaching a classroom of 20 first graders!)

Anyway, I think it totally depends on the personality of the child and parent doing the teaching. We homeschooled our daughter for part of 1st grade and part of 2nd grade. She is a very strong-willed girl. Even at an early age, it was difficult to control her. Her personality and mine just clashed and it didn't seem to be working out for us. So we decided to put her back into public school.

In my opinion, to homeschool you must be VERY organized. It can be easy for the days to slip by with not much schooling getting done. On the pro side, I think it is a great way to meet the individual needs of your child. There are also so many things you can teach them besides just "book" learning. (Although those things can be taught to your children no matter what!) You can choose the curriculum for your child based on their learning style. You get to set the schedule, so school can happen whenever it is best for your family.


MM: Would you consider home-schooling again?

Debbie: Yes, definitely.

MM: O.K., last few questions here. What is the biggest sacrifice you’ve made by choosing to be a SAHM?

Debbie: Probably the biggest sacrifice felt by the whole family is the loss of income. For me, personally, I think it is harder to keep my own identity when I don't have a career outside of the home. I become just the "mommy" or the "wife" and less of my own person. It is possible to keep your identity, but it changes. And you have to find things to help you feel independent and useful outside of just taking care of your family. For me, I've found that if I get too much of my identity from my family, I can become easily disappointed and depressed if they aren't doing what I would like them to do or be.

MM: What is the biggest reward of it?

Debbie: Knowing that I am the one that they turn to when they need something. Being there to see the first steps, hear all of the new words and wipe the tears. I know what it feels like to miss out on some of that. Even though it was a great caregiver who was taking care of my daughter, I wanted to be there, too. When they look back on their childhood, I want them to have all of these memories of me just being there, being around.


MM: What is your best advice for a mom who is considering leaving her job to become a SAHM, but maybe isn’t totally sure if she is ready?

Debbie: I would suggest to her to really think in her heart what it is she would like, if money, time, etc. were not a problem. I think a lot of women are afraid of being a SAHM because of the money issue. I think that if you really want to do it, you can make it happen. It isn't easy, but it is possible.

MM: Those are great closing thoughts! We can all learn a lot from your suggestions. It's great to be reminded that there's just one more SAHM out there, dealing with all the stuff we SAHM's all deal with. Thanks so much for your input, Debbie!!

It's Easy to Stay Connected

Sometimes venturing out of the house to meet up with someome seems like way too much effort. Like when I have a pile of groceries to put away. Look familiar?

But in the long-run, staying connected with other adults enormously benefits my mental health. Which, of course, makes me a Mom my kids actually want to be around. Good plan, hey?

So, as a follow-up to one of last week's posts, "No Need for Isolation", here's a handy-dandy "How-To" list for you.

How-To Stay Connected

1) Remember letters?? No, not email. Actual letters. With paper, envelopes, and a mailbox. I know! It's been a while for me, too. But over at ClubMom's website, one mom has found receiving a card not only offers the opportunity for a craft with her kids, but writing letters keeps her in touch.

No time for letters? Pick up prepaid postcards at the post office. Keep your address book on mailing labels and you can have a quick "hello" to a friend in less than 5 minutes.

2) I can't say enough good things about playdates. You benefit, your friend(s) benefits, and all sets of kids benefit. Playdates can happen at a house, a park, a kid-friendly lunch spot (several fast-food places come to mind), the kids section of the library, etc. Pretty much anywhere that's conducive to kids being kids, and of course has room for moms to sit and chat. Schedule a playdate today!

3) If you're reading this, you've already discovered the power of the blog. Even if you don't write your own blog, you can connect with SAHMs around the globe, right in your own living room, just by reading and commenting on other blogs. Once you start blogging, it's hard to stop!

4) I mentioned it before but it bears repeating: join (or start) a SAHM group in your area. I've found two websites that help moms do this. Visit MothersClick or MOMS Club, and you could be connected with another SAHM in no time.

5) Consider signing your kids up for pre-school a few times each week, even if it's just for 2 - 3 hours. It gives them a chance to socialize with other kids, get a head start at classroom behavior (oh-so-important for kindergarten), and you'll get a chance to do what you want.

Go out to lunch; see a movie; go shopping. You can do any of these with a friend, or, you could even do them alone. Just being out in the world minus your kids can make you feel re-connected to the adult world.

6) Volunteer. Somewhere. Anywhere. Many organizations (my church is one of them) offer childcare for their volunteers. Pick a cause and go to work.

7) Recruit your spouse or significant other to "man the helm" (small pun intended) for one night each week. Take the time to join a club, volunteer, meet friends…you get the idea.

8) Insert your idea here. No really! If you there is something you'd like to do and it would help you feel connected - do it. The possibilities are endless. Be sure to share your ingenuity – post a comment!

Whether your kids are with you or temporarily elsewhere, there is a way for you to make that adult connection all SAHMs need. Because to me, staying connected equals staying sane. Definitely worth the effort.

Another Momtrepreneur

Just found another great article about a Momtrepreneur.

I can completely appreciate the fact that, before she had kids, she always thought she'd return to work. As soon as that first little one arrived, she knew she couldn't. This was my scenario, exactly. We're not strange, as our colleagues may have thought - we just love our kids!

It's great to know there are other moms having these same experiences, especially over these types of major life decisions. We're not alone. And that's what this blog is all about!

No Need for Isolation

When I would talk with co-workers about my true desire to be home with my kids, I usually got looks of disbelief, or even pity, in return. I felt isolated as a Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM) before I even became one!

And at first, being home was isolating, especially going from the extreme of being in a modern corporate environment to having an in-home daycare with 3 toddlers and 2 babies. There were so many wonderful moments, but I truly wondered those first few weeks and months if I would ever have someone to share a coherent, complete thought with again!

I quickly realized that feeling isolated does not have to be the reality for SAHMs. As much as I could, I began venturing to kid- and adult-friendly spots. Our local library was always one of my first choices. The kids could play, look at books, and hear a story, and I could chat with other SAHMs.

I scheduled playdates with a friend from work who also had kids and 2 days off a week. Our kids got to play with each other and we kept in touch.

I became an avid emailer. Our main living/playing area is also our computer hub, so checking and sending messages is a snap and doesn’t take me away from the kids. I find email so much more doable than trying to have a phone conversation.

And after about 2 years of strictly being home, I dipped my toes back into the work-world, just a bit, and worked part-time in the evening, a few times a week. Without compromising being home with my kids, I got regular (and much needed) adult interaction.

If you’re feeling isolated, one of these ideas may be an answer for you. I’d also recommend checking if the MOM club has a chapter in your area. If not, you can be the first to start one.

The trick to not feeling isolated as a SAHM is simple – don’t let yourself be isolated. Do what you can to stay connected, and if anyone questions your sanity in choosing to stay home - just stare right back at them.

Have You Heard? Mom + Entrepreneur = Momtrepreneur

The Trend

When you look down your street and see the other Stay-At-Home Moms (SAHMs) living there, do you know which ones also work there? Or, are you already a Momtrepreneur? Chances are, at least some you are and so are a few of those moms on your block.

More and more, SAHMs are becoming Momtrepreneurs; women who choose to be home with their kids but find a way to start their own business. Why the trend? Most SAHMs choose to start a home-based businesses because:

* Traditional work hours don’t accommodate family needs
* A second income is sometimes still needed and/or desired.
* SAHMs decide the market needs a better product.
* SAHMs are smart and driven, and owning a business helps maintain their sanity!

The Stories

What businesses are popular with SAHMs? They seem to be as varied as the women who do them.

Some SAHMs find what they were looking for in a home-based party business, like Teresa Barnett and Jane Ambrosi.

Other SAHMs find a market need and put their creative juices to work. Doing just that are Kathy Losey, Kelli Harshman, Sara Graff, and Shelley Wenum.

Still others are using technology to fuel their business; read about Tammy McConnell.

The Inspiration

These women’s stories are enough to inspire even the least business-savvy of us. I hope to be one of them someday! In the meantime...do you have a story to add to this list? If you’re a Momtrepreneur, I’d love to hear from you! Send me an email or post a comment.

Because, as modern SAHMs, what could be better than being home with our kids while simultaneously earning an income doing fun, fulfilling work?

I can’t think of anything.

Stress! 10 Ways to Deal and Still Enjoy Your Kids

Kids are crying. Toys are everywhere. Dishes are overflowing. Bills need paying. And it’s only 9 AM.

You’re starting…to come…unglued…

Been there? Me too!! Seems like an ever-present emotion for Stay-at-Home Moms is stress. So often I’ve run to the pantry to find release in chocolate! As much as I love it, it provides me only a very temporary fix (and ultimately adds to my stress because I know I’ll just be stressing about all those extra calories later!)

Here are my 10 best ideas for really coping with that “staying-home-with-kids” stress, and none of them involve chocolate. Unless you want them to.

1) Get your pen, notebook, and a kitchen chair, and write down everything that’s making you stressed. It is amazing to me how much better I feel when I’ve gotten it out of my head and into a journal.

2) Turn on your favorite music, really loudly, and sing. Who cares if you’re not in tune? The kids will love it and want to join in, and you’ll feel better as soon as you start crooning.

3) Dance like crazy around the house while singing to that loud music.

4) If it’s naptime, singing and dancing are probably out as options. In that case, try marching up and down the stairs. Activity of any kind helps because it releases those feel-good brain chemicals, endorphins.

5) Keep certain markers, crayons, and paper that the kids can only use during your “special quiet reading time.” Light a scented candle, and while they’re busy working, read at least one magazine article, or one chapter in a book. With babies, this one works great during naptime.

6) Get out that stroller and hit the streets. A little fresh air, a little activity, and a little break from the house. You’re bound to feel renewed as a result and your kids will be glad for the time outdoors.

7) If you can’t get outside, go to the window in your house with the best outdoor view. Look outside and take 5 deep, slow breaths. I can almost feel your tension releasing!

8) Take a hot bath, or if time is shorter, a nice, hot shower. Again, waiting until naptime may be key here, but, ohhhh…it’s so worth the wait.

9) Call a friend and do some venting. No one else home? Come online and read this, or any of the other wonderful blogs written by Stay-At-Home Moms (check out the ones I've listed in my blogroll). No one can relate to the stresses of being home with kids better than another woman who is also home with kids.

But what if you can’t do any of these things because the kids just won’t settle down?? If all else fails…

10) Turn on that (I know, it’s terrible) TV. No, I’m not saying, “sit your kids in front of the TV all day.” But if sitting them down for a half-hour – and there are wonderful, educational, enriching choices out there - gives them a chance to chill out and you a chance to take a breath, I’m all for it. Once they’re in, try any of the above remedies.

See? Don’t you feel better already?