Interview with Debbie - Mother of 4

We are so lucky to have my good friend Debbie on Mommy Minute to talk SAHM with us. Her experience "in the field" is impressive. She offers great reflections on life as a SAHM, and also has a few tips and tricks up her sleeve to share. Enjoy!

Mommy Minute (MM): Hi Debbie! Thanks for taking the time out of what is, I am certain, a very busy schedule. Let's get started. Tell us how many kids you have, and their ages.

Debbie: I have four children. A girl - 10, boy - 7, boy - 2, boy - 8 months.

MM : How long have you been a Stay-at-Home-Mom (SAHM)?

Debbie: This is my 6th year of staying at home.

MM: What is your best tip for a new SAHM, who is ready to tear her hair out???

Debbie: Do everything you can to find other SAHMs to talk to (preferably in person). Just knowing that someone else is going through the exact same thing as you can make a world of difference. And GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!! Take walks with the stroller, or do it when your husband is home and have some "alone" time. The exercise, coupled with the change of scenery can really uplift your mood.

MM: You had a career prior to staying home, correct? What did you do?

Debbie: I did have a career. I was an elementary school teacher. I taught a 1st/2nd grade looping class. (That means I had the students for 2 years--for first grade and then again for second grade.)

MM: What made you decide to leave that behind and become a SAHM?

Debbie: It's funny, I'm not really sure. All of a sudden it just seemed right. For 3 years prior to being at home, I did work part-time in a job share situation at my school. So, for part of the week, I was home. I thought that would be the best of both worlds, but I think it just made both jobs (being a mom at home and a teacher at school) harder in a way. All of a sudden I just had peace with being at home.

The years before that, I never thought I would leave teaching. I really loved it. It was my dream, and my husband was always very supportive of me working or staying home. He just wanted me to be happy. But, when I say "it just seemed right", that doesn't necessarily mean that financially it was easy to do. It just seemed right to me personally--for my well-being.

MM: Are you still happy with that decision? Or, are there times when you wished you were back at work?

Debbie: I'm definitely happy, although there are days when I wish I was back teaching!!

MM: When do those times hit you?

Debbie: Sometimes I get tired of just being around the house so much--not getting out as much as I used to. I miss the interactions with my co-workers. I miss the money! I think there are just "cycles". Some days I'm excited to get up and get my house in order, do the laundry, errands, etc. Other days, I don't want to get out of bed, and I think I'll scream if I have to look at another pile of dirty laundry!

But I love being there for my kids. I like being there to send them off to school. Being home to greet them after school. And when I think of missing out on the early years with my two littlest--it brings me to tears. Some days it might seem we will never be done with diapers, but in reality it will be over before I know it. And it seems even more important to be around as my kids get older. My daughter is 10 and is growing up so fast! She needs guidance a lot right now, and I want to be the one who is there for her.


MM: A big thing I’m talking about on this blog is how to stay sane while home with kids. How do you do keep your sanity “amidst the toilet training and temper tantrums?”

Debbie: There are lots of little things I do. Some days (like when my two year old is throwing himself down on the floor and crying for the tenth time that morning!) I might just walk around muttering to myself, "This too shall pass." Sometimes I just have to remind myself that the kids' stages may seem to last forever to me, but they really do go by very fast.

Other times, like when my older two are being particularly argumentative or whiny, I just tell them that mommy needs a time out. I usually go up to my bedroom and read, watch tv, whatever. At times like this, my sanity is more important than whatever mess my kids might make in 20 minutes. Of course, this is harder to do now that I have the two little ones.

Oftentimes, I try to be really productive in the morning hours (but still taking some time to play with my little ones), so that I can have some "guilt-free" me time in the afternoon while they are napping. Some days they are only both napping for an hour (or less) at the same time. Other days, it can be 2-3 hours. I will take a nap, watch one of my favorite shows that I've tivo-ed, scrapbook, work on the computer or maybe just call a friend. I think as SAHMs, it is important to remember that we are "on call" 24/7. There are some days that that quiet time during the middle of the afternoon is my only real "break" during the day.


MM: What about staying connected to other adults? Is it difficult to find time for that?

Debbie: This is difficult. I am involved in our church, but unfortunately, it is not in our town, so I don't get to see a lot of the people that often. I do try to go to a Bible study once a week during the school year. They have childcare, so it is a nice "mommy" time.

I used to talk to my sisters a lot on the phone, but then I find I don't get much done during the day! So, I've found email to be a better solution. Then, I still feel "connected", but I can respond when the time is right for me.

I've also started a part-time job that gets me out of the house for a few hours a couple of nights per week. It is nice to have that time to interact with adults! I've made friends through my kids' friends. Setting up play dates, birthday parties, etc., you get to know the moms.

Also, the most important adult for me to stay "connected" with is my husband! We try to have a "date night" every 2-3 weeks. My in-laws are gracious enough to watch the kids for the evening. My husband and I go to dinner, see a movie or shop. But the best part is that we can have a conversation without being interrupted every 2 minutes! This time is really important for our relationship, but I also know that it is very important for my sanity, too. I really look forward to those dates. Knowing one is coming up can help me get through some tougher days!

Also, we have implemented a rule in our house that all children must be in their rooms by 8:00 at night. Our daughter is getting older and doesn't go to sleep at this time, but she must be quiet and in her room at 8:00. This is so that my husband and I can have our time together. Our daughter will sometimes play, but oftentimes she just gets in bed and reads for awhile and then goes to sleep. It is nice to know that at 8:00, I can have a little freedom. Often my husband and I will talk or watch one of our favorite shows together. Or, sometimes we do our own thing. I will scrapbook or read, and he works on the computer or putzes in the basement.


MM: Wow! Good for you. What else do you do that’s “just for you,” that helps you stay sane?

Debbie: Now that I am working a couple of nights a week, I will use the time after work (early evening) to do errands. This way I can do my stuff without kids, and I can make it a little more enjoyable for me. I will get something to eat or go to my favorite store just to browse. I feel like I had some "me" time and took care of some errands at the same time!!

Another thing I try to do is plan times to go out with my friends. Every couple of months or so, my 2 sisters and I will have a "girl's day out". We will usually meet in a spot convenient for everyone, and shop, eat, talk. It is usually a Sunday afternoon. The dads are in charge of the kids for the day. (Which is no small feat, as there are 13 children between the 3 of us!).

I also try to have dinner with one of my close friends who still is teaching. We try to meet every few months or so. That is always fun.

MM: In next week's blog I’m going to look at the new wave of home-schooling SAHMs. I know you have home-schooled in the past. Why did you decide to home-school? Can you share a little bit about what that experience was like, both the pros and cons of it?

Debbie: Homeschooling was something that always seemed to make sense to us because I had been a teacher. We were a little leery of the school district and all of the undesirable things our daughter might pick up there. Also, I have a sister who has always homeschooled. Her oldest is now 13, so I had someone who knew all about it to help me along. It is a lot harder than you might think! (It is completely different than teaching a classroom of 20 first graders!)

Anyway, I think it totally depends on the personality of the child and parent doing the teaching. We homeschooled our daughter for part of 1st grade and part of 2nd grade. She is a very strong-willed girl. Even at an early age, it was difficult to control her. Her personality and mine just clashed and it didn't seem to be working out for us. So we decided to put her back into public school.

In my opinion, to homeschool you must be VERY organized. It can be easy for the days to slip by with not much schooling getting done. On the pro side, I think it is a great way to meet the individual needs of your child. There are also so many things you can teach them besides just "book" learning. (Although those things can be taught to your children no matter what!) You can choose the curriculum for your child based on their learning style. You get to set the schedule, so school can happen whenever it is best for your family.


MM: Would you consider home-schooling again?

Debbie: Yes, definitely.

MM: O.K., last few questions here. What is the biggest sacrifice you’ve made by choosing to be a SAHM?

Debbie: Probably the biggest sacrifice felt by the whole family is the loss of income. For me, personally, I think it is harder to keep my own identity when I don't have a career outside of the home. I become just the "mommy" or the "wife" and less of my own person. It is possible to keep your identity, but it changes. And you have to find things to help you feel independent and useful outside of just taking care of your family. For me, I've found that if I get too much of my identity from my family, I can become easily disappointed and depressed if they aren't doing what I would like them to do or be.

MM: What is the biggest reward of it?

Debbie: Knowing that I am the one that they turn to when they need something. Being there to see the first steps, hear all of the new words and wipe the tears. I know what it feels like to miss out on some of that. Even though it was a great caregiver who was taking care of my daughter, I wanted to be there, too. When they look back on their childhood, I want them to have all of these memories of me just being there, being around.


MM: What is your best advice for a mom who is considering leaving her job to become a SAHM, but maybe isn’t totally sure if she is ready?

Debbie: I would suggest to her to really think in her heart what it is she would like, if money, time, etc. were not a problem. I think a lot of women are afraid of being a SAHM because of the money issue. I think that if you really want to do it, you can make it happen. It isn't easy, but it is possible.

MM: Those are great closing thoughts! We can all learn a lot from your suggestions. It's great to be reminded that there's just one more SAHM out there, dealing with all the stuff we SAHM's all deal with. Thanks so much for your input, Debbie!!